Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Chicago Tribune pays to spread hate of vegans

The electric thrill of following your base instincts: Zap!

By Tribune Staff Reporter Rex W Huppke

I have a confession to make: When I saw a group of campus cops in Florida take a Taser to a vociferous 21-year-old student who was spouting off at a John Kerry forum, I smiled.

I smiled a broad, uninhibited smile, one free from the constraints of political correctness and common human decency. And then I thought, “Hah! That mouthy, self-righteous twit had it comin’.”

It was then I realized that, when it comes to certain people, I’m unabashedly pro-Tasering. And before you judge me, look inward. There’s bound to be one person in your life, or at least someone in the news, who you’d love to see Tasered.

Maybe it’s that relentless suck-up co-worker everyone gripes about. ZAP!

Or the mean-spirited, business-suit-clad jerko at Starbucks yelling at the doe-eyed barista because there’s not enough foam in his soy caramel macchiato. DOUBLE ZAP!

Or, perhaps, Kevin Federline. ZAP! ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

Face it, there’s a base instinct in each of us, a wicked sliver of our id, that believes annoying people – like malfunctioning televisions – might benefit from a swift kick. Or in this case, a momentary surge of about 50,000 volts.

Presumably the next time Andrew Meyer, the Tasered University of Florida student, feels like blathering on about his political conspiracy theories in public, he’ll think twice. That’s a win for everyone; he’ll benefit because people won’t think he’s such a doink, and everyone else will be better for not having to listen to him.

The world is awash with social irritants like Meyer, pesky people ripe for the Tasering. Let’s call them “the Taserable.”

And let’s indulge our inner mean streak and start a list:

- Whoever took the dog that belongs to Tom Finley, a well-known panhandler in the Loop. Finley left his pooch, Reba, outside a McDonald’s the other day while he got some coffee. And then she was gone. Who takes a panhandler’s dog?

- Dave Warwak, a middle school art teacher in Fox River Grove who, after being put on leave for pushing his vegan lifestyle, said he wouldn’t return to the school unless it stopped serving milk and other animal products in the cafeteria. Of course, Warwak was a carnivore up until January, when he decided to become a vegan zealot. Let him eat soy dogs warmed by a Taser!

- Fashion designer Marc Ecko, the man who bought Barry Bonds’ record-breaking 756th home-run ball and is now letting the public vote on the ball’s fate: give the ball to the baseball Hall of Fame, brand it with an asterisk or blast it into space. How about a fourth option: Taser Mark Ecko?

- Roy Pearson, the Washington, D.C., administrative law judge who filed a$54 million lawsuit against a dry cleaning shop because it lost a pair of his pants. The lawsuit failed, but the Korean family that owned the store shut it down last week, citing financial and emotional strains from the trial. Who wouldn’t enjoy saying, “Pearson: Take off those pants or be Tasered!”? And then Tasering him anyway.

- The college kid from the Kerry speech. You get the feeling we haven’t heard the last from this prankster. Might take a couple more Taserings to subdue his youthful indignation. Who’d like to be first in line?

- Even our cultivated and compassionate Perspective readers must know someone who could use a jolt of reality, a swift kick in the pants. Send us the name at and, if needed, a quick word why. Start with Rex W. Huppke, if you like.

- “Don’t tase me, bro.” And other topical T-shirts. PAGE 4

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  1. I nominate the author of this for sustained tasering.

    All Meyer did was ask about Kerry being in SkullNBones, when the security geeks(also taserable) started to manhandle him.

  2. I'm trying not to think about how dangerous this kind of journalistic --uh-- cleverness can be. I missed the video of the Florida student getting tasered. But from what I've heard it was another case of government incompetence, bullying, and abuse. In other words it was/is Essential Florida.